Not Good-bye but Until We Meet Again....

Earlier today, I was *finally* able to put to words

what I've been thinking/feeling about our

move this weekend.

(we are relocating about an hour south of there)

Here is a letter to my dearest friends that the Lord

has placed in my life...

My Dears

Teri, Sara, Frances, Colleen, LM, Janneke, Jaki, Tracy, Paula, Ann:

I just wanted to say thank you girls for your sweet attempt 

to put something together before we move 

& for your many attempts to help in every way with this move. 

I've been quite recluse because I'm trying to sort out what I'm feeling. 

I can't shake this equally excited as I am sad feeling to be moving. 

Mostly because of not being able to be 

spontaneous with you, go to midweek coffee, 

meet you at the park, etc. 

I won't happen to see you driving on the road, 

or run something over to your house if I need to.

We've experienced MANY births, pregnancies, 

foster parenting & adoption,

new jobs, job loss, lawsuits, fertility problems,

sustained unemployment, marital ups and downs,

church searching, small group sharing, moving,

parenting woes, parenting joys, womens health issues,

kids health scares, cancer, school performances, 

first slumber parties, sports teams, dance classes, school changes,

homeschooling ups and downs, many cups of coffee & tea,

lots of wine, tears of joy, sadness, tears during the movie Bridesmaids,

art classes, preschool classes, so.many.VBS's, pool days, park days,

outdoor movie nights, Da-Dora jokes, dinner parties, inappropriate humor,

appropriate humor, intentional embarrassment, political debate,

surprise parties, birthdays of our kids, birthdays of each other,

 tears from laughter, Anthro gift cards, prayer requests, praise reports,

comfort during sorrow, mutual celebrations for joy,

countless prayers for our husbands & children,

a source of great encouragement, refining fire,

Godly wisdom and 

remaining each other's constant prayer warriors.

I'm mourning the life we have woven together 

and the longevity that would have come 

if we remained residents of SGValley. 

That being said, this isn't goodbye....

and I wanted to avoid anything that would resemble 

a goodbye because that would mean we are closing a door. 

I don't live in lala land and know that my moving away 

will naturally change our relationship(s). 

But - I know that not much does have to change 

as OC isn't that far & with a bit more effort 

(and a plane ticket to OC...) 

we can remain connected. 

You ladies have single handedly shaped 

who I know myself to be today. 

You have seen ME & introduced me to her 

- a person I actually like: authentic me. 

One thing I fear is myself away from you. 

If I will stop seeing me through your eyes...

or if new friends will see me as you do. 

I can't thank you enough for allowing me 

to grow up in your presence. 

I will always see Pasadena as the place 

"I became a woman" (ga-ross...hahaha). 

OC has always represented my childhood. 

I have a fear of going back/reverting back 

- and that has been a part of this transition 

that has made it so hard on me. 

Not only that....but you girls are the first to love my daughter 

as her true, authentic self 

- with all her nuances, quirks and Katelyn-ness. 

She's always beaten to the tune of her own drum 

and many many people didn't get her for MANY years. 

You do get her, and love her 

... And I can't begin to express how deeply I cherish this without crying

...hard(-er than I am now...). 

I know your friendship has served yet ANOTHER purpose: 

your children have been siblings to my daughter when she (I) needed them most. 

Your families are prayed for every night, 

memories of time with all your kids are typical conversation topics

 in our daily home and the love she has for your kids is so precious 

- even more so than if they actually were siblings. 

Your kids have taught my girl how to interact with other kids, 

by engaging or watching the dynamics of your kiddos. 

All this to say...I love you each DEARLY 

and am forever grateful for His wisdom 

in placing you as main characters in my life story. 

The balance of depth with fun that we maintain is truly unique 

and I pray will sustain us beyond a few miles separation 

or whatever years we have left on earth. 

I am giddy with excitement that we have eternity guaranteed together

...and that turns these tears of sadness into joy. 

I love you all. 

xoxoxo

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a blip of inspiration

This summer has been such a great whirlwind - 
and really won't be over in my mind until October 1.  

We've had fun as a family and celebrating marriages,

it has been filled with memories.

This past weekend I got to *finally* see

my dear sweet friend, Lissa at her house!

She's been to my house a number of times, I was so happy

to see her in her element & hometown.

I also got to squeeze and giggle with a DEAR friend,

Becky.  As a bonus surprise, I got to also hug and

laugh with Kim!  It was such a great weekend

where my heart is full of the love only

derived from girlfriends.  I am so blessed.

This morning, I read a post on Lissa's blog.

It got me thinking about my little piece of the interweb

and what is to become of it.

As previously stated, I started blogging for one

reason and it was quickly revealed to me

that this was the way the Lord would speak to my heart.

He has used what can be an ugly, vile place

for His glory and to get my attention.

I'm not sure where this blog is going, but I've felt

strongly that He isn't quite finished 
with this space yet.

Based on Lissa's post this morning, I was inspired

for the first time in many months to write.

Hi.  I'm Tracy and I'm imperfect.

Welcome to the "I NEED A SAVIOR" support group.  

This group is where we celebrate each other being 
our authentic selves as we strive to love our Creator.  

We will fail.  

We will fall short EVERY.TIME.  

I guarantee we will never come close to perfection.  

EVER.  

Now that you've heard what this group doesn't do - lets talk about what we DO:

Pray for each other.

Ask forgiveness of each other and of the Lord.

Give each other grace -  as we are given on a minute-by-minute basis.

Seek the Word when the world fails us...

...again and again and again.

No works, no rules, no laws will ever make us perfect.

The Bible isn't to constrain us.

It is to SET US FREE.

Free from the bondage of ourselves.

Of our innate propensity to sin.

We are to live in this world and not judge

others or ourselves as being righteous - we are to love others

because we are ALL falling short of the Lord.

THAT.IS.WHY.WE.NEED.JESUS.

every minute of every day of every month year after year after year.

Thank you, Lord for the women you've introduced me to.

Only through this blog is how they came into my world.

Not just these three (imperfect) women I've met this past weekend,

but the many many sisters in Christ that

have blessed me by following me here, commenting precious

and encouraging words;

following me on Instagram and Facebook.

I am humbled to be in their presence, which draws me closer to You.

Amen.

a cuff like this can be yours, too!  lovingly made by Becky.  Find them here.

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thirty-three

I had a feeling turning 33 was going to

be a great year when the week

of my birthday started in Paris and ended

with a formal ball in the Opera House of Budapest.

Little did I know the year the Lord

had in store for me....

The highest of high's as well as

lowest of the lows - ALL bases were equally covered.

a ball for my birthday...such a happy coincidence!

Summer 2011 was easily the best on the books:

the European vacation, VBS's,

lots of time with friends,

a trip to Napa,

the birth of my first niece.

Then the fall continued on in the same way - 

a trip to Napa (actually, THREE MORE trips to Napa...)

beginning the homeschool journey,

a new division and a great soccer season,

a trip to Austin, 

the birth of my second niece.

Winter 2011 started the same way -

a new Christmas tree,

a fun dinner party,

ringing in the new year with my

Texas-sister and her family,

purchasing Disneyland annual passes,

and it all hit a seismic speed bump

the week of January 20.

February introduced the reality of

cancer to our lives - 

and set us on a trajectory that

we couldn't have possibly foreseen.

However - through all of this - the Lord has been working.

He has brought us through infertility

with a passion our little family shares for each other

that I cherish to my innermost.

It took me 10 years to really understand what

that looked like, felt like.

Once we settled into the new trajectory

that is our life with cancer - and seeing how the Lord

has cradled us in His hands the *entire* way,

we got comfortable and into our routine.

UNTIL June 15.

An opportunity presented itself

to my husband within his company

that was so far off our radar - it only could have come from Him.

It means that we will be moving back to

Orange County - where we both

spent a majority of our childhood as well

as spent the early years of our marriage.

We are equally as excited as we are saddened

at the thought of moving.

Pasadena has been the most wonderful

home and has given us the best

years of our lives.

We love our community dearly

and for that we are deeply saddened.

At the same time, this opportunity

is such an exciting time in our lives

that will open many doors as

well as challenges that the Lord has 

more than prepared us for.

We are anxious as to where this will

take us, and how He will use

this new path in our lives.

We dedicate all of it to Him, and

give Him all of the Glory!

The future posts will consist of

my farewell to this fabulous town that

will forever have the dearest place in my heart.

Thank you for your prayers and for your

support during the many trials

and joys that have been expressed on this

littler piece of the interwebs.

So, goodbye thirty-three....and hello thirty-four.

I'm buckled up, and ready for the ride.

xoxo

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The fog has lifted....

James 1:12-13

New King James Version (NKJV)
¹² Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. ¹³ Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.

It seems that my days since January 20, 2012

have been on a runaway train.

Yet, something is different about this time

than any other 'runaway train'

moments in my life before.

I'm actually present.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting

on why it is different than before - what is different?

From 2005-2010, I was in a fog.

One of those creepy, horror film fogs where the

car is on the windy road, it is dark

and as they round the corner they come upon

the villan with a bloody axe in the middle of the road.

SLAM ON BREAKS, the screen goes dark.

1 John 4:8-10

The Message (MSG)
^7-10My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God.

I was so tunnel visioned on

NOT being pregnant, reconciling my

life's dream of being a mommy

to a plethora of babies - that I couldn't see

the beautiful scenery in my midst.

My husband.

My daughter.

I have been looking back at those

5 years and I can honestly say, if I didn't take

a picture of it, I don't remember it.

I can't remember my daughter's

first words, the darndest things she would say,

or how little her voice was.

I can piece it together with videos, photos,

and my husband retelling the stories.

But they are not MY memories.

I phoned it in.  I was a mannequin.  

I was so deep in self loathing, self pity 

and anger at the Lord.

1 John 4:15-17

Today's New International Version (TNIV)
¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.

I don't know when the day was that the fog

lifted and my memory became mine again.

Technicolor, even.

I think it is amazing how fog works - 

It creeps in and before you know it, there is zero visibility.

And just as slowly as it creeped, it lifts

and the sun's rays are able to penetrate all the way through.

I was loved out of this fog.

It was persistent, constant and unconditional.

The Lord kept shining.

He knew how angry I was at Him.

He never stopped shining brightly knowing one day,

I would be able to see again.

See His light, love and the clear path.

He can take it - my small little anger.

You know those cartoons

where the little rodent in its squeaky voice

is having a fit at a bigger animal

and they yawn and sit there unaffected?

I was that rodent.

1 John 5:1-3
New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has become a child of God. And everyone who loves the Father loves his children, too. ² We know we love God’s children if we love God and obey his commandments. ³ Loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome.

The Lord doesn't mock me - but He is

SO MUCH BIGGER than my

little problems, anger, concern, and plight. 

Rather than yawn and sit unaffected,

He was reaching out for me,

hugging me, holding me, loving me.

I was kicking, screaming, scratching,

biting, flailing, and stiff as can be - and His grip

grew tighter, more persistent, more intentional.

Until one day....I stopped fighting.

Each day after that, I began to soften into the hug.

Not liking it at first, but tolerating it.

Now, I'm even starting to hug back.

Hugging the Lord is seeking

His teachings, engaging in ernest prayer,

and attempting to live like Jesus.
I.AM.NOT.PERFECT.

2 John 1:5-6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)
⁵ Now I ask you, lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that welove one another. ⁶ And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it.

But that's why I need Jesus.
I am saved by HIS grace, HIS love -
not because of anything I've done.
Shoot - if all that anger I directed at Him
were shown to me, I would have said a big fat,
"SEE YA" and moved on to someone
that would at least tolerate my sentiments.

The blessings & love He gave me despite my anger look like this:
~ A deep relationship of love and respect
with my husband that far exceeds any of my silly schoolgirl dreams.
~ A daughter who challenges me daily
and teaches me how to love others in the most unique way.
~ A daughter who has a relationship with the Lord
and who is very excited to be baptized later this month.
~ A group of girlfriends whom I can rely
on for prayers, support and cocktails when I need it.

And best of all, because of this,
I got to know the character of the Lord.
I know why He sent His only Son.
For me.
For my family.
For YOU.

John 3:17
New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

It really is that simple.

**all photos taken by Adrea...LOVE her!**

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